He’s a Vonster. Linebacker Von Miller too much for Seahawks to handle in Broncos’ victory.


He’s the Vonster. Half rhinestone cowboy, half football cyborg, like nothing the NFL has ever seen, and a force of nature quarterbacks like Seattle’s Russell Wilson hope never to see again.

Broncos linebacker Von Miller routinely does things beyond the imagination of mere mortals. For example: After undressing the Seahawks with three sacks and two forced fumbles during a 27-24 victory, his Sunday go-to-dinner clothes were western duds fitting for a Chippendale dancer: Cowboy hat. Pink skinny jeans. A denim shirt (buttons optional) to show gold chains on his chest.

“I picked this out of my closet,” said Miller, modeling his attire with runway flair that would’ve done Tyra Banks proud.

Earlier, while waiting offstage to describe his dominant role in the Broncos’ season-opening victory, Miller politely departed the news conference room to sneeze so hard it rattled the stadium’s walls. Why?

The Vonster is allergic to grass. That’s not an urban myth, it’s 100 percent true. Maybe the only downside of being the Vonster, who wrestles QBs to the ground for a living, is his most outstanding performances give him a stuffy nose, after all that rolling around in the grass.

On a sunny afternoon that reminded us all why we live in Colorado and not Seattle, the fury of Miller rained down on the Seahawks. When the Vonster wasn’t running the width of the field to stop forward progress short of the first-down stick with a downfield tackle, he was ripping the football from the arms of 223-pound running back Chris Carson without stopping to say “please” or “thanks.”

Wilson told reporters last week watching the Vonster is like having a $1,000 courtside seat for NBA greatness. “When you’re playing certain guys, when you’re playing LeBron James or you’re playing guys like Kobe Bryant or Steph Curry, they’re going to make plays,” Wilson said. “He’s one of those guys for sure.”

How prescient of Wilson. On the NBA court, the team with the best superstar often wins. In this NFL game, the Seahawks had Danger-Russ, but Denver had the Vonster.

Advantage, Broncos.

The turnovers and havoc created by Miller covered for issues the Broncos will have to quickly resolve if they want to flip their 5-11 record from last season to 11-5, and go from worst to first in the span of 12 months.

In his regular-season debut as starting quarterback, Case Keenum tried so hard to impress he sometimes pressed, acting like he had to be Slingin’ Sammy Baugh instead of a good ol’ boy from Texas managing the dadgum game. “We all want it so bad. We can’t press … I don’t have to be anyone but myself,” said Keenum, whose three touchdown passes were offset by three interceptions.

The relentless pass rush of Miller did much to hide the mess formerly known as the No Fly Zone. With recently acquired cornerback Adam Jones pressed into extensive duty, teammate Chris Harris Jr. was the first to admit his role was harried kindergarten cop, directing traffic for a secondary still learning how to communicate. “Ain’t got no time now, we’ve got to go, we’ve got to get it done this week,” Harris said.

After Miller made another big play, a video camera caught him on the bench sucking on oxygen through a clear mask, proving even the super powers of a football avenger needs care and feeding. As more than 70,000 Broncomaniacs cheered his image on the scoreboard screen, Miller stood up and struck an Incredible Hulk pose.

So I felt compelled to ask: Wouldn’t it be fair for the Vonster to share his oxygen with Seattle players he chased all over the field?

“No. This is not how it works. What they do with their free time” is none of his concern, Miller said. “This is my eighth year in the league. Every single time I’ve come to the sideline, I’m always on the tank.”

Label No. 58 as one of the rarest athletic specimens on the planet. There’s nothing else like Miller in the NFL. Not to go all conspiracy theory on you, but there might not even be anything like him on earth.

My current hypothesis: While the birth certificate insists Miller was born 29 years ago in Dallas, it’s within the realm of possibility he was actually dropped off in Area 51 by aliens weary of his super-human powers wrecking all their intergalactic games.

“He’s really a freak,” Broncos teammate Todd Davis said.

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